|Think about much_ado's post and me keeeping a relationship stimulating
||[Feb. 24th, 2006|01:10 pm]
the following is a lot of bable of introspection
As I re-read over much_ado's post and replies and something that con_girl said about physical/emotional investments.
I have moved with my family about a half dozen times and been to about a dozen schools.
Start Quebec => England => Quebec => US => Ottawa => Quebec => Ottawa then moved out on my own.
Another puzzle piece that someone mentioned is that I have moved so much I have never really made long lasting friends.
Here I am 2 years into a wonderful relationship but i feel as though I am no longer able to keep up with stimulation to the relationship.
Is it like this relationship is akin to all my friendships (i.e. not long lasting).
I have only need to retain friendships for a few years (considering all the schools I have been to) and now my brain is in that state of "What do we do now?".
No I know don't over analyse.
I don't think anyone else is really stagnating, but I feel as though I feel I have little or nothing to add to conversations other than regular daily life stuff. Ah yes take out the garbage, pick up the caulking for the leaky bathtub, get myself a check up at the doctor's, clean the driveway, modie (French joke) lawn, do the dishes, how do we pay these bills blah blah blah.
I know life is more than that! I know I could be more stimulating; as having another persona like Jacomo has shown. So what is it with me? Can I blame rationalize it as having moved so much? and not having life long friends or having one place I lived all my life?
Why do the experiences in my life (and there have been many) seem trivial and not worth talking about?
That's just stupid.
Being an English country schoolboy in the morning mists.
Having fights at school at an early age
Being one of only three "anglophones" in French public school (grades 2-4)
Meeting up with one of those friends YEARS later and remembering I had had a crush on her.
Living as an outsider in the US
The communities I have had with church
Singing in choirs
Travelling to China
FUCK MAN I have had lots of experiences worth sharing, but this fucking fog where I can't talk is frustrating.
I guess a part of me is introverted and can’t relax even in a small family. I seem to get along well when I am with 1 or two people. In large groups I only do well if I am acting the "class clown" with "masks".
I guess getting a LOT of attention is what I seek....is it what I need though? Is that why I am Jacomo because I moved around so much I need a different persona to "make friends"? Along side of being a fool for my self hatred. Act like an idiot so people can laugh at me though I am in control of it.
I can't stand people making fun of me if I am not in control of the joke.
I have been called (K)lueless, Squinty eyed, and a George McFly(Mr. Density)
i.e. a punching bag for people with low self esteem (like my father and sister)